Difficult Conversations

This is a time in your student’s life when they are potentially experiencing what it is like to live on their own, it may be their first time sharing a room with someone, and classes may be challenging their thoughts for the first time. College is a great time for students to learn who they are and what their beliefs are. This time can lead to difficult conversations for students with roommates, friends, classmates, and even family members. These conversations can range from topics like who keeps the room clean to derogatory remarks their friends make. To keep these conversations from escalating we have provided some useful information on topics that may inform how you handle the difficult conversations.

Fight-Flight-Freeze

Your body has a natural reaction to high-stress situations that you may recognize as Fight or Flight. What not everyone knows about is there is also a third reaction called Freeze. This natural reaction is a way that your body is trying to protect itself from a threat and/or danger. When in a high-stress situation your body can release a large amount of hormones (particularly adrenaline) in your sympathetic nervous system. These hormones can prep your body to battle and triumph over what is threatening you, this is known as the Fight. If the antagonistic force is too powerful your impulse might be to outrun it, known as the Flight response. Sometimes your body processes a threat as dire and that you can neither confront the threat or run from it safely, in this end you Freeze. Knowing how you react to a threat will help to determine how you will react to conflict.

Conflict Resolution Modes

When having difficult conversations conflict may arise. There are five different modes of Conflict Resolution according to Thomas-Kilmann. While it is not necessary to memorize every mode it is important to be aware of them. This makes it easier to identify which mode someone may be using and help you navigate resolving the conflict with them. It is important to note that when dealing with conflict the goal is to use the Collaboration Mode.

• Accommodation – unassertive and cooperative
  • Someone who neglects their own concerns for those of others
  • Gives up personal needs and goals
  • Other’s needs are more important than their own
  • Wants to keep the peace
  • Looking to maintain the relationship
• Avoidance – unassertive and uncooperative
  • Not willing to deal with the conflict
  • Someone who is withdrawing and neglectful
  • Unwilling to engage in productive conversation
• Collaboration – both assertive and cooperative
  • Digs into the issue to pinpoint the underlying needs and wants of both individuals
  • Tends to be mediating
  • Long-term problem solving
  • All parties needs and goals are met
  • Creative solutions
  • Commitment to see the agreements kept
• Competition – assertive and uncooperative
  • Interested in their own concerns at the expense of the other individual
  • Someone who tends to be forcing, dominating, intimidating, and aggressive
  • They tend to have a win/lose mentality
  • Willing to do whatever is necessary
  • Doesn’t care about the relationship
• Compromise – moderate in both assertive and cooperativeness
  • Willing to surrender some personal goals/needs
  • Doesn’t see the whole picture
  • Focuses on short-term quick fixes that likely split the difference between the two individuals concerns
  • Unsatisfactory agreement
  • Less likely that the agreement will be upheld
  • Potential for escalation of conflict

An individual’s behavior can be described in two dimensions when conflict arises: assertiveness, the extent to which the person attempts to satisfy their own concerns, and cooperativeness, the extent to which the person attempts to satisfy the other person’s concerns. The Five Conflict Resolution Modes are plotted on the chart to the right to show the levels of assertiveness and cooperativeness in each.

The P.I.N. Model of Conflict

The P.I.N. Model of Conflict is a fairly simple model that can help you to try and understand what someone may be trying to explain. When dealing with conflict emotions may get in the way of communicating what you or the other individual truly means.

P.I.N. Stands for:

Positions – What we state that we want
Interests – What we really want
Needs – What we must have

Example of how the P.I.N. Model of Conflict is used: Daisy and Minnie share an on-campus room together. Daisy is upset because Minnie had a get together in their room last weekend without telling her and damaged Daisy’s bedding, staining her comforter with food and drinks. Daisy is demanding that Minnie purchase her a new bedding set and no longer use any of Daisy’s belongings, including her bed.

Positions:

“You and your friends have no respect for others.”
“Quit using my stuff.”
“Buy me a new bedding set by the end of the week.”

Interests:

“Please get my bedding cleaned.”
“Be more careful next time you have people over.”
“Please let me know when you are going to have people over.”
“Please show me some respect.”

Needs:

To be able to trust her roommate.
For others to show respect for her and her property.
Not to worry every time she goes away for a weekend.
To feel respected.

“I” Statements

“I” Statements are a common style of communication that focuses on how the speaker feels than putting the focus (or blame) on the individual they are talking to. “I” Statements are a great way to let someone know how their actions or words are affecting you. While “You” Statements can be effective, they can also come across accusatory. An “I” Statement can be beneficial because, when used properly, it can show a willingness to take responsibility for your own perceptions and feelings.

There are four parts to an “I” Statement:

1. Statement of observation
2. Statement of feeling
3. Statement of what you need
4. Statement of preference

OR

1. How you feel
2. What you have that feeling about
3. Why you feel this way
4. What would you like to see instead

“I” Statements are not intended to solve the conflict. They should not be used to force someone else to solve the problem. An example of an effective “I” Statement for when you are working in a group project may look like this:

• “I really want to make an important contribution to this project, and I don’t feel that I’m doing it as effectively as I could.”

An example of the same type of statement gone awry can look like this:

• “I really want to make an important contribution, but your micromanagement doesn’t let me do that.”